oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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