Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
