Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
