so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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