im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
