just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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