Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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