I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
