he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
