I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Four minutes until I can fart!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
