You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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