i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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