so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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