Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
