i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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