Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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