I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
