One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
