So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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