do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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