I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
