OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
