I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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