My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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