My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
