Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
grandma shit on top of the toilet
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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