I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
