She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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