We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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