He is such a slut. More and more my type.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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