He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just found puke in my bra..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
