my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize