When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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