Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
