EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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