we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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