Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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