I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
