He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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