True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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