dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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