theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
