im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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