I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
