ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
