Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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