goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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