I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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