im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Even my vagina gasped.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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