Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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