i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
