We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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