It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
