Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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