Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
