i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
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