I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
