if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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