Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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