these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
