ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
