I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
