How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
