i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
