ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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